Shades of Gray
by WickedForGood13
Summary: Set during 'Adam' - Jack's thoughts as he gives each member of his team the amnesia pill, and his reaction to each of their declarations.


I look at my team, and can only think of how proud I am of each and every one of them. They fight aliens on a regular basis, they're each other's support system, and they continue to stand by me. I don't deserve them, or their loyalty. Their trust in me is misplaced. As I listen to their memories, I'm reminded of how Ianto once accused me of not asking about his past. I'm struck by an epiphany as I realize that as much time as I spend with my teammates, I don't know them. None of us do.

Gwen turns to face me, and I hear her say, "I love Rhys, but not in the way I love you."

Though I appreciate the sentiment, it's entirely inappropriate. She's _engaged_ … to be _married_. There's no place for me in her life anymore. From now on, I can't be anything but her boss. "Take this," I whisper, handing her the RetCon pill and allowing myself a moment of weakness as I brush the hair away from her neck.

_One last touch,_ I think, before moving on to Tosh.

"Knowing there has to be more to life than this. Knowing I'm special. Waiting for someone to see it," she whispers, tone laced with pain and the undeniable fear of being alone.

Placing a steadying hand on her shoulder, I turn her to face me. "I saw it."

My hand traces the plane of her shoulders as I pass on over to Owen.

"You save one life, a hundred lives, but it's never enough. Who'll save me?" he mutters, despair plain for anyone with ears to hear.

Touching his chest, alerting him to my presence, I say strongly, "I will." And I've never meant anything more in my life. That's what I work for, day after day, isn't it? To save people, as many as I can. Whether that be my own team or an outsider, I will always do whatever is in my power to save whoever I can.

Finally, I reach Ianto. He stares ahead, unseeing. "Coming here, it gave me meaning again." Here, he turns in his seat, looking pleadingly up at me. "You," he says with a note of wonder in his voice.

My response is swift and instantaneous – I press my lips to his forehead, hands delicately cupping his face. While I admit that there is something between me and Gwen, neither Ianto or I can deny the connection we feel.

Pushing aside any remaining sentimentality, I inform them, "You each have a short-term amnesia pill. It'll make you forget Adam. We have to wipe the last forty-eight hours from our memories. Go back to who we were."

Ianto was the first, quickly popping the pill before washing it down with a glass of water. Gwen was next, eyes locked on me the entire time. Owen seemed to be waging an internal battle as he stared intensely at Tosh. Nevertheless, he swallowed the pill, taking off his glasses before resting his head on the sturdy table. Tosh had the hardest time of them all. Tear tracks staining her cheeks with their wetness, she turned on the CCTV.

"I'm going to lose so much," she murmured.

"None of it was real," I say, reiterating what she already knew to be fact.

"He loved me, and I loved him," she said, turning from the screen to watch my approach. "It's no different from real memory."

"He forced it on you," I tell her, carefully placing my hand around her neck, gracing her chin with the lightest of touches from my thumb. "You have to let it go." I plead with her to see reason. Placing the pill in her hand, I close her fingers around it, nonetheless leaving her with the choice as to what to do. I rub her shoulders soothingly as she swallows the pill, before turning once more to face the screen.

"Goodbye, Adam," she whispers, resting her head on the table and closing her eyes.

I notice Gwen has remained erect, though her eyes have shut. As I move towards her, her head begins to nod. I catch her right as she falls, gently guiding her to land on the table top. Allowing my hands to wander, I touch her hair, her shoulders, for what I tell myself is the last time. Then, I leave to confront Adam.

_I'm the only one left to remember,_ I think. _By tomorrow, this will all have been forgotten. And that's the way it should be._


End file.
